Skip to main content

Timothy's room

Timothy's room

Timothy loved to create, and he would often kneel by his bed to work on Lego projects. His mind was inquisitive and, while playing, he learned to troubleshoot. I loved that about my son.



The week of the accident, Timothy had dumped his Legos onto one of his two beds. The last morning we left the house together, that's where his Lego collection was. His bike was parked in one corner of the room. His airplanes were sitting out. One of his favorite soldiers was lying next to the bed, which had automobile-design sheets on it.

For the first seven months after the accident, I kept this room locked. I did not have the courage to step inside, and I did not want anybody else to go in, either. I needed time to allow myself to accept the fact that he was not with me. Holding on to how he left the things in his room seemed to give me the peace of something familiar, to which I could go back when I felt ready. I needed to see the room just how Timothy left it. For my last image of the room to be of a boy picking his nose and playing with his Legos. Somehow I thought that, by not going in, perhaps I would wake up one day with Timothy still by my side, just walking out of his room, and life would be normal again. It’s the one place in the house I did not want to touch or change.


In November 2012, on the day of Timothy's birthday, I collected my courage, unlocked the room, and walked in. It was quiet, as if it had been waiting for me. I sat on the bed, looked around, and wept. I was alone in the house, so I just let my tears flow. I spent the next months doing my morning quiet time here, in Timothy's room. It gave me a chance to think, pray, and accept and grieve the absence of my boy.


As I write this morning, the sun's rays are coming into the room, which faces east. The sunrise breathes hope and newness. I cry often in this room where my firstborn played and slept for almost seven years, but I know that Anahi represents the new life that God is allowing me to live.

Last month, Anahi turned three, and I am feeling that it's probably time to move Timothy's stuff out of his room and pass the room on to her. I think I will change the wall from blue to pink—although I might leave a stripe of blue in honor of Timmy. It's a hard step to take, but I have learned to be okay with tears and allowing my heart to be moved by the love that Timothy and I shared. I remember that I would ask Julie, "Can one love too much?" She would say, "Of course not. There is always room for more love."


Timothy, you were so loved, and you continue to inspire me to love and not give up hope. I am learning that this journey of living in this world requires tremendous love and divine strength. I miss you, and, although the colors of your room will change, your toys will be removed, and your bike will be ridden by other boys, you will continue to be in my heart as I continue living, loving, and walking on this journey.


I promise you this:
  • I will continue building with the Legos of life that God will place in my path.
  • I will continue being curious, like you helped me to become. I will ask many questions.
  • I will continue praying simple yet profound prayers that I know God can hear.
  • I will continue picking my nose like you used to do—sometimes in public.
  • I will continue believing that each day is a gift, just as you were my gift in my thirties.
  • I will continue being spontaneous, eating ice cream and chocolate just because.
  • I will continue being a child at heart, when life seems to push me to be to serious.
  • I will continue to believe that little boys are gifts from God to their daddies.
  • I will continue to watch over your sister, Anahi, and remind her about her older brother.
  • I will continue running barefoot and feeling the grass under my feet, not worrying about what others might think.

Thanks for sharing your room with Anahi now. She is growing and becoming a beautiful little girl. She loves to ask questions, just like you did, and is very active. (I mistakenly thought she would give me a break and allow me to sit and rest a little more.)


Timothy, I will keep a few of your Lego projects as reminders of your ingenuity and creativity. And when life gets a bit stale, I will remind myself of you and the way you changed me and pushed me to be a better person.

Comments

  1. What a powerful post brother. Thank you for taking us along on part of your journey of healing

    ReplyDelete
  2. Norberto, I felt profound grief when I learned of the accident. I have always thought so much of you and Julie. Two weeks ago, I too lost an unborn child. The circumstances were complex and we felt God led us along a perilous journey. It is difficult to find words for the profound sadness-it is still too fresh to understand what I'm feeling. Your articulate and heartfelt words to your son, Timmy, help me to begin to find words with which to grieve. Thank you for living outloud. Blessings to you, brother. -Christa Shoot Grimmer

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thank you for sharing this Norberto! i will continue to pray for you and Anahi, be strong and courageous God is at work in your life, rejoice in His presence and love. your words uplift all of us who have lost a child and teach us to live memorable and thankful moments with the ones we have on our side. God bless you and continue to use you as you serve Him! with much love, Michelle Assaf

    ReplyDelete
  4. Thank you for sharing this Norberto! i will continue to pray for you and Anahi, be strong and courageous God is at work in your life, rejoice in His presence and love. your words uplift all of us who have lost a child and teach us to live memorable and thankful moments with the ones we have on our side. God bless you and continue to use you as you serve Him! with much love, Michelle Assaf

    ReplyDelete
  5. Thank you for pouring your heart out and sharing it with us, it is such a blessing to read your posts and share your pain and joy...your words are such and encouragement for all of us who have lost a child too and an encouragement to cherish and make every memory with the ones still one our side! i will continue praying for you and Anahi, may the Lord continue to bless and use you for His glory as you continue to serve Him. Be strong and courageous, God is on your side and is still at work in your life! Be blessed my friend. -Michele

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Christmas in Paraguay!

If you're wondering what Paraguayans do at Christmastime, they have some great traditions , including the " noche buena " meal on Christmas Eve at midnight.  They eat lots chipa guasu (a type of corn casserole, stay tuned for a recipe), asado or grilled meat (some eat it cold), salads, especially fruit salad, watermelon and drink mucho terere . Families travel from all over the country, many even return from working in other countries like Brazil, Argentina, and Spain, to celebrate with loved ones. This is us at last year's Kurrle celebration in Asuncion. Festivities are anything but a silent night with fireworks, loud music and drinking cidra (hard cider).  Most Paraguayans do not decorate Christmas trees (we decorate ours in shorts!) or emphasize Santa Claus.  Instead, they put beautiful nativities " pesebres " in their yards and in store fronts.  Kind of novel to focus on Christ at Christmas, isn't it! To beat the heat, many Paraguayans g

Fighting Discouragement in the Busyness of Life

Hubby and I have made an agreement not to talk about sensitive issues after 10:00 p.m. It’s a rule in our household because when we were first married our late night talks would turn into fights and we would say hurtful things, because we were tired and our reasoning senses were shot. We eliminated almost all arguments with that simple rule. Exhaustion takes the best out of a person. Another new book on the market,talks about the high burnout rate among pastors. In reading reviews of the book, the author says that lack of sleep is one of the main causes of burnout. I’m reading this book that also deals with the correlation of sleep deprivation and discouragement. It’s a book for overactive people who are seeking to strengthen a love relationship with the Lord. Being in the ministry, I feel the demands of people’s needs constantly. Daily, we hear claps at the door to pray, to chauffeur people around, to do weddings, funerals, to lead Bible studies, to counsel just about any pro

Paraguayan Weddings

On Valentine’s Day, we had the joy of attending the wedding of Sandra and Anastacio, young leaders in the church. Sandra is my assistant with Children of Promise and Anastacio, apart from his carpentry job, has a popular youth-focused radio program every night at 8:00 on our station. We’ve been to quite a few weddings, and these are some of the uniquenesses of southern Paraguayan wedding celebrations from our North American culture: 1. Nothing is fancy. Emphasis is placed on the act of marriage and not on the decorations or food. 2. It is not an expectation that parents help pay for expenses. Most families just make it each month with regular expenses and cannot afford to pay for eleborate feasts. Most couples have to spend months saving for their own wedding. 3. Borrow as much as possible. Many times wedding dresses are borrowed 5-10 times, because few women can afford their own. Flowers, decorations, shoes and ties (Norb loans out his ties often...since he never wears them!