TWO very hard months

The last two months were hard. Somehow July and part of August brought back a dark sense of despair and hopelessness. I was doing so well, at least I thought. I had passed the one year mark in April.  I was feeling renewed strength and feeling like the worst was over. Suddenly bam bam, I felt the world coming down

I believe that several things contributed to my slipping back into an acute state of grief. One, grieving is cyclical as I have learned. It bytes back when you less expect it. Second, Julies birthday was in July and August would have been our thirteenth anniversary. Third, I was back in the states on a very short trip and happened to visit a few places that Julie and I would have been together on our last trip. Among these places,  is our campus at Anderson University, another was being with relatives and just being on a plane alone with no one to share my journey with, knowing that wherever I landed, Julie would never again meet me at the airport with her smile, saying, I am glad you are back. I missed you so much. I have taken for granted the importance of a loving face at the end of a journey. This time I left alone and came back alone.

I am aware that this is my new life and reality. I am aware I have to begin living in this new chapter, but somehow those two months were incredible hard. I felt some of the same emotions from a year ago. Hopelessness, loneliness, bitterness, upsets nest with life and even with God. I realized I became apathetic and did not care about others. Just ugly, when will this end. Why I am feeling this way after I had come out of that dark hole.

Now I am slowly detached from those strong emotions and its probably the reason I can write and look back. I could not get myself to write one blog entry in August. I was in survival mode. Constantly tired from crying and struggling emotionally, watching Anahi and trying to keep life from chaos.

I feel that I have gained a new understanding on people suffering with depression, painful emotions, and hopelessness. I thank God for all of you who are still praying and have lifted me through these dark moments. Thank you. I realize once again that God has placed us in community so that when one of us is hurting, others can step in and carry our burdens until we can muster the strength to walk again.

I am feeling much better, with new excitement about the spring and the future that God might have for Anahi and myself. Anahis birthday is coming up September 21st, as the trees and flowers in the southern hemisphere blossom.