Passion for Paraguay

I woke up exactly at 5 am on Friday April 11 th . I go to my office and write this. It was so unique, since I was not planning to be up this early. But I was so awake and ready to get up that I just got started with my day. Usually I sleep until 6 or 7 AM. I realized I woke up at exactly the time the accident happened, one week before the second anniversary. It’s almost like I sense Julie and Timothy saying to me, we are with you and want to walk by your side during this week in a special way Over the past months I have felt the need to stop everything. I have intentionally taken time off to pray, think, grieve, cry, journal, reflect and pause. I have sensed an increasing need to pause this month. I have set aside, delegated and minimized all my responsibilities and duties. I believe this month will bring more healing to my soul and help me move forward. After getting up and having a wonderful time with the Lord, I decided to get up at 5 am every morning until April 18 th. ...

I wanted to publish this blog a month ago. I am ready now. Here are some random pics which helped me process the pain of my second birthday without my little boy. I have been going through my e photo albums over the last few days. I have looked at every birthday since Timothy turned one, on Nov 23rd of 2006. He grew fast and was a true joy in our lives. I have given myself permission to feel his absence again this weekend. I must say that focusing on Anahi has helped me deal with the loss of Timothy. I am doing much better and I am accepting Gods ways for my life. Here are some priceless pictures Timmy prayed on his own. He also sang Lob und Dank before we started eating at birthday number five.  Grandma Diane and great grandma Grace both came to celebrate his 5th birthday My sister Nila and Priscila have been by my side and very supportive at every event with Timothy. At three months, Timothy learned kicking the ball in his basket. I got a kick of hi...

Family Portraits Over the last months I have been enjoying looking at my family pictures. Each has a story and is connected to emotions we experienced as a family. I especially love looking at the last pictures we took as a family between January and April of 2012. Julie and I had been married for almost 12 years, and we were enjoying life as a family of four. Both of our children, Timothy and Anahi, had come as a result of much prayer and years of waiting. Each of them, before even arriving into our home, had a powerful story. At the time of the accident, Julie was pregnant again. I remember during one of our breakfast conversations not long before the accident, Julie said, "If it’s a girl, let's name her Lilian, and if it’s a boy, let’s call him Caleb." She was due in December 2012. If the pregnancy would have come to a full term, today I would be the proud father of three children and the husband of an incredible woman. I consider myself a famil...

Saying Goodbye It’s been 14 months since the tragedy. Intellectually, I know that Julie and Timothy are not with me anymore, but, emotionally, accepting this to be true has been hard. After reading an article on intentional grieving, I've realized the importance of facing my pain and the places that meant a lot to us. I am advised that one way to do this is to write a goodbye letter and to find a meaningful place to read it out loud. Another approach is to write about events, places, and things that we both enjoyed, and gradually say goodbye in that way. I've learned that facing the pain weakens the grasp it will have in my life in the future. I have not yet said goodbye to so many daily things that Julie and I shared. When I fill out forms, I still cannot mark the widowed box. I can’t accept the fact that I am a widower. I still have my ring on. I have not taken it off since 2002, when Julie and I said, "I DO." I still talk about "us" when address...

This morning I woke up and could not get going. I was alone in the house while my sister and Anahi were running some errands, and one of Julie’s favorite songs was playing on the radio.  I began to cry. "God, how long? When will I see the other side?" As paradoxical as it may sound, I am actually beginning to long for the next grief surge. It has become the new familiar thing. It’s the one connection I have with my past. It’s the time I have to myself to think of two great loves that enriched my life for 15 years. Thinking about the son I had, who made me a dad and brought fatherhood out of me. Pondering how love grows deeper over the years. Thinking about the incredible wife God gave me, who loved me unconditionally and made me a better person. Now all of that is gone, and I am left with just a quiet house and tears. But I am also aware that life never stops and is constantly moving forward, even if I am moving very slowly right now. People move on. Many of you h...

10 months of grieving and healing All to You, I give it all to You. I lay my life before You. Lord, I surrender all. All that I have been through, I give it to You now. And though I have some questions, things I'll never understand, I come into Your presence, and I place them in Your hands. I know that You are faithful. Your mercy will sustain me, and Your grace will see me through. I cast my cares upon You, and I come to You in faith . (From the album, Thank You Lord, by Don Moen) Ten months ago, my life changed forever. I still wish so badly that I could go back to my former life, connected to Julie and Timothy. I struggle, I wrestle, but at the same time I am aware that I have to embrace and accept the new life God is giving me. It’s so easy to think that we are in control, and that life as we know it will last forever. Nobody lives expecting tragedy. We avoid it. But there is an appointed time. This alone should give us purpose and direction. I want to make mine ...